Monday, June 22, 2015

The Sole Problem of the Soul Problem Is a Heart Condition

I am angry today.  Actually, I am pissed!  Admittedly, it is not just today, though.  It has been many days for much of my life about the same issue.  But lately, and especially this week, I am angry to my core.  It is sad to say that it speaks of my very essence in this moment.  I know this, am clear about it, and am working on it.  I am told I am a green chakra, the heart chakra. Perhaps this is why I feel so deeply about what has been going on with race relations in this country.  I am sure it is why I feel deeply <period>.

I agree that guns are not THE problem. Bottom line is that an absence of love is the "soul" root of it. However, guns and gun attitudes are a contributor to the problem. How to solve this, the conundrum. On a related note, I do think if you have actual amorous feelings for your lethal weapon of choice, and/or you think it is actually an ANSWER to what is going on, then there is something wrong in your head. If you read that last statement to mean that I am against guns for self-protection, I suggest you get out of the head I was speaking of and re-read it. Do not bother arguing with me on this because I am not wrong, and there is no way to prove otherwise, so do not send me your manipulated stats or stories to prove something to me. The only thing that will prove is that you are still missing the point.

Oh, and by the way, just because someone chooses not to own a gun does not make them a "pussy," as a few of you have so eloquently put it! If a person is not comfortable with a lethal weapon, then they should not have one. Shut the hell up with that, seriously. Guns are NOT for everyone... as evidenced by every other day on the news! Here is another thing on that note to shut the hell up about:  it being a liberal agenda.

If you are sick and tired of me being on my soapbox about the gun issue, or about the way people of color are seen and treated, whether friend or family, say goodbye to me now, because I will not sit down and be quiet.

If red-headed, freckled, or blonde and blue-eyed, or people that look like me (white, brunette with brown eyes) were being marginalized -- or worse  -- were being TARGETED for slaughter (YES, SLAUGHTER!), would you still be sitting quietly? Would you still be rolling your eyes at me if these people being assassinated, murdered, looked like your very own children???  This is the world I have had to bring my children up in, and that my children will have to bring their children up in. I had hoped for so much more! And if you still cannot seem to align your conscience with this, consider that it is the same world you are bringing your white children up in. Hello!  The huge difference is that some of these people have targets on them. Would you feel differently then?  What if it was YOUR sweet little seven year old blonde daughter... your 87 year old grandfather... your favorite red-headed Irish pastor... your young up-and-coming cousin...  the single mom next door...?  See?  THAT difference of reaction is an ABSENCE of love at its core! And I CANNOT tolerate it and neither should you! I'm so SICK of the apathy.  As I stated in a previous post:
Your disinterest in what I have to say, your scoffing at my personhood and my knowledge and feelings, your racial brush-off to me translates that you think that somehow my children are less important to me than your children are to you.  
And I will add to that to be even more clear:   Not only is there a disconnect in that some do not comprehend in real-time how important my children are to me, but the really scary part is that my children's value is MADE less because they do not look like them, because they are black.  Their lives are not as valued.  (And, yes, literally my children are biracial. No need to attempt to make a point with that here.  Truth is, when my children walk out my door, the world sees a black person.  And even if they were able to see a biracial or multiracial person, they would still marginalize them because of it. Because... not white.


My oldest (“Sweet”) shortly before he got promoted to big brother in 1989.  Then, I had hopef thst the world would be a kinder, more fair place for him.  Still hoping.


The very same people who were up in arms over Sandy Hook or the Colorado movie theater slaughter (rightfully so) are now silent about the Charleston 9 terrorist attack, and it is noticeable. So I do not think it is only the terrorists in these incidents whose heads need to be examined. Further, it is not just a problem in the head, it is a heart condition, a sick soul condition in mankind. I cannot say "in humanity " because sometimes I feel I can barely sense its existence.

So if you now find yourself annoyed with me over this, I label you as having also a listening problem and incapable of examining yourself and how your very own attitude actually plays a role in this soul sickness.  Another label.  No one likes them.

Yeah, I am BEYOND angry. Fed up. In fact, for once, I cannot even find that single adjective to describe my feelings. What I recognize is I am struggling with anger and do not like it, and that I will no longer participate with others in stifling myself.

I have some work to do.  I hope you recognize what there is for you to do.



Saturday, June 20, 2015

Outside Inside My White Skin

An Invitation and a Challenge

Yep, here I go again!  Buckle up!


Yes, the timeout is first!

Before I continue and dig into what I am really here to say today, let me take a timeout and acknowledge the elephants of the day in the room -- first, the horrific terrorist mass murder in Charleston, SC a few days ago.  Here is my simple statement on that and all the blind rhetoric flying around: Every act of violence is NOT a mental illness. Crazy... likely. But a TRUE mental ILLNESS, no! Face it, some people are just blinded and ruled by hate. Hate (fear in an ugly, dangerous form) will make us do crazy things! Stop making excuses for scum because it makes you feel better.  I am proud of the people that are willing to forgive, and I wish for the day when I can also feel that way.  I am working on it.  Currently, I hope that little murdering flea and his ilk rot in Hell... s l o w l y.

Next, is Rachel Dolezal, the woman who was a local President of an NAACP chapter who is a white woman that attempted to be black... or as one of my sons said, acting in blackface. For the sake of space and time to read, let me just say that she has unfortunately made herself and her just causes a non-issue.  I can't know what her deep, true motivations are that caused her to perpetrate this lie, so I won't even touch it.  I feel sad.  I feel sad that she did some good things under a lie, and she did some other things that are contradictory to what she says her cause is.  Someone in an article postulated that she probably did it out of being tired of not being heard because of her white skin.  I actually totally get that - in real time!  However, I am white and I can sympathize, use my brain and heart to see and feel, to reason, and even to empathize in some ways.  But at the end of the day, well the beginning, too... I am white and I don't and won't attempt to pretend otherwise. I hope she comes to one day.  As for her family, they are suspect in my eyes.  WHAT family throws their daughter under the bus as they did, regardless of what she's done? What a bunch of losers.

The Confederate Flag needs to be taken down and put into the annals of "things that are just wrong in our history and other losers."  If you think it should remain up because "it's a piece of our history," you are lying and I am calling you out on that.  I won't even get into how streets, buildings, and other public and government properties are named after Confederate figures.  Yes, it's a piece of our history, but so is murdering innocent indigenous peoples, no seatbelts, banning Filipinos from entering the country, women and blacks being prohibited from voting, segregation, etc., etc., etc!  You get my point.  And if you are one of those that wishes those days back, then YOU need to leave this country, not me.  Next!

Now, here's the meat for today.

In my experience in my skin, rarely does anyone want to hear this white woman's thoughts about the struggle for and by black people in this country.  There are white people that roll their eyes or check out when I talk about my thoughts, and there are black people that think I don't have a clue and think that my thoughts on the subject are meaningless.  Waaaaaaay back when I was a school kid, there were others that thought I wanted to be black (As if!), and they gave me a terrible time about it.  What these idiots didn't realize was that they were only assisting me in my ideals that there was something wrong.  Thanks!  I hope some of you have become more enlightened since then.  And no, I haven't forgotten who you are.

I have more than a simple vested interest in the treatment of black people in this country.  A large part of my family is not white, and a very large portion of that is black.  I am a part of this multicultural, multiracial family, and they will always be a part of me, who I am, and how I think.  I love my family and am proud of it, just as I am sure you love yours and are likewise proud.  Your disinterest in what I have to say, your scoffing at my personhood and my knowledge and feelings, your racial brush-off to me translates that you think that somehow my children are less important to me than your children are to you.  Read that last sentence again; I suspect a few of you digested it incorrectly the first time.  It also means that somehow I have lived on this Earth for 50+ years and have spent it with my head in the sand, and my heart in my sequestered white ego.  First, let me bulldoze that pile and let you know that nothing is further from the truth. Next let me save you the personal time of denying it.  You haven't realized that is what your dismissal means, but that is what it means whether you admit it or not, whether you want to examine it or not.  I learned a very long time ago that my kids and I are on a particular island that not many really care to visit.  Whatever color your own skin, if you think this is solely a "black" issue, then you are not only a part of the problem, you are ACTIVELY CONTRIBUTING to the problem.


As for the next person that says "Slavery ended 150 years ago; get over it!", well you can go crawl in your teeny tiny dark corner and just rot away, because you are a waste of precious oxygen on this planet.  Are you really that NARROW MINDED, that BLIND, that UNAWARE that you think unfair treatment and practices (and much worse) ended with slavery?  WAKE UP!  If you want to know why black people hate, distrust, or are afraid of the police and other people in power, just research OUR AMERICAN HISTORY!  Someone said to me the other day, "But why do they run when they are stopped by the police?"  Now this is not a dumb question.  If you have not had the experience of a black person, have not been exposed to the experiences of a black person, AND you don't have family that can tell you stories handed down of decades of abuse in an effort to warn you about these abuses, then I expect you really do not know.  However, what I would hope is that we can ALL have a listening ear and heart when someone (anyone!) is speaking on their experiences.  By the way, thank you to that person who heard what I said about that question.

My reasons for anything and everything worthwhile.  9/2011

My personal rainbow. And this is only part of my family and wonderful people
I choose to surround myself!  :)   9/2011

Those that cannot or refuse to admit how things really are in this country are just afraid to.  You are afraid to admit it because you think it will mean something personal about you, your actual person, your family.  You may be right if that is the way you feel, if you take it that personally.  Do you want to know the best way to stop feeling like that?  Step OUT of your tired skin and make a difference for your fellow human beings.  You would do it for your own family!  Have you forgotten that we are ALL of the human RACE?

The human race is the ONE and ONLY true RACE, by the way.  Race, as a category, is a man-made concept.  Yep!  Go research it.  I am not going to hold your hand on this one.  WE MADE THIS SHIT UP!  There is no biological, scientific backing for separating us into color categories.  NONE.  It serves only to separate us.  That is it!  Well done, wouldn't you say?

With that said, I am here to tell you that it is, however, important that we do recognize each other's race at this time in our history.  It speaks to the essence of who we are individually, where we have been, our probable life experiences, AND it does NOT define us in totality.  Confused yet?  Color blindness does not serve anyone, and is a myth anyway.  It is a way of pretending that "I don't see who you are and it doesn't matter."  The melting pot is just something we throw people into that tries to melt others into what "we" want them to be, to assimilate into our own ideas.  I would rather have a salad chock full of all the flavors that you can see and taste individually that are wonderful each on their own, and are just as wonderful when thrown in together.  Yes, I'm laughing at my corny self right now, but that is really how I feel.

If you are feeling injury right about now and are making this monologue mean that I don't like white people, that I'm abandoning my own (Yes, I've heard all this before.), that I'm prejudiced or racist against white people, that I don't care about the bad things that happen to whites... well, you have missed the point entirely then, and/or you still aren't listening.  I give you one last chance at this juncture to hop down off your high horse and experience more of life, a life that has nothing to do with your individual skin.  I invite you to try on some new ideas and ideals today.  I invite you to stop being afraid.  I challenge you to step out of the masses and the cog thinking.

I suspect that there are still some that are wondering just what my deal is.  If I sound angry, I am.  Besides what I think should be the obvious reasons for having humanity in my heart, there are people that want to kill and do other horrible things to people that look JUST LIKE MY CHILDREN.  NOW DO YOU GET IT? If you still don't, then all I can say is I hope you get help for your blindness and willful stupidity.

Complicated?  Confusing?  Yes!  And I say, "So what!"  Wake up and stand up, or please just shut up!  White privilege is a real thing.  Mistreatment of people of color is a thing - to put it all lightly.  I will no longer be sporadic with my voice on this.  So either be prepared to deal with me, get on with me, or exit from my life.  I have ushered others out before you.  Consider that your experience is not the template for others, and consider that other experiences contrary to your own are actually real.  We don't have to agree, but I insist on respect.  Try on acceptance vs. tolerance.


Monday, June 8, 2015

A Note to Myself for You to Read

Don't Let the Monkey Bring You Down


Every day I DON’T want to go to my exercise class, and then every day I'm so glad I did.  Hot, sweaty, and sticky, and I still feel better than when I walked into the class!  This is what I'm retraining my monkey mind to default to, to remember.  I woke up this morning and every single joint in my body hurt.  It's so easy to just live in THAT moment.

My biggest fear is that my body will be so worn out from constantly fighting itself with this lupus that I won't be here to see my 60's.  I'm not complaining; I'm really reminding myself what's the most important between struggling with lupus and doing what I MUST do to be here in 10 years and BEYOND.  No one likes hearing the "bad" stuff on Facebook about our lives.  But I'm here to tell you that you can MAKE the bad stuff something to learn from and make it something to look BACK on.

I was an athlete once.  I still have the heart and mind of one, and of a competitor.  It's been SO hard not being able to do the things I once did - and not all that long ago.  So I’m declaring that I'm in a race that isn't over until I say so... which isn't one of the options.

Probably the hardest part about it is the constant pain and fatigue, of course.  The second is the brain fog... I sound like an Alzheimer's patient sometimes.  The third is dealing with people not believing me or making up things about me when I can't follow through on something, can't finish something, or just plain can't move.  And you'd be surprised (maybe) from whom some of the criticism comes. Sometimes it's direct, but more often it's subtle, behind my back, or I can just feel it from some.

I have been mindful of my self-chatter – the talk that no one else hears but me.  It can be a dangerous thing.  I’ve been practicing being mindful of what I say to myself as we’re doing the various exercises and stretches in class.  Sometimes I’m really hard on myself (You should be able to do this!); other times something might just be so hard to do (My arms are killing me!); and then there’s old faithful (You’re one of the youngest ones here! You should be smokin’ these old ladies!).  Yeah, I do that to myself, and I’ll bet most of you do something similar.  So I’m working on being kinder to myself, focusing more on the result I want instead of the momentary discomfort, and very importantly, making sure I’m listening to my body when it REALLY is time to stop or rest.  Sometimes the competitor in me doesn’t want to hear it.

So… whatever it is you need to do to have a life worth waking up to every day, make that MORE IMPORTANT than the woe-is-me chatter in your mind, the self-defeating talk, the achy joints, the extra plate of food, and certainly more important than whatEVER the haters and naysayers (who don’t live in your skin, by the way) EVER have to say!

Friday, June 5, 2015

Caitlyn vs. War Heroes, Christians, and the Importance of Stones

How quick we are to judge someone else's idea of a hero.  How quickly are we to make comparisons of their hero to another hero we approve of.  Unfortunately, this is comparing apples to oranges, and only proves that we have no room to grow in our personal ideology.  It only shows our unwillingness to stand in another's shoes and have the possibility of some enlightenment and understanding. 

I am weary of everyone comparing Caitlyn Jenner to war heroes (apples and oranges), quoting Bible scriptures about her, and poking fun at her journey.  Just because you cannot imagine it, does not make it untrue.  Just because it is not true for you, does not mean that it is false.  Who are you that you think it is okay to dictate who someone else's hero should be?  Who are you to ridicule someone else's idea of who their hero is or should be?  In my opinion, this is a form of bullying.  Yes I said it, bullying!

In case you are still confused or simply unwilling to figure this out on your own:
transitive verb
1
:  to treat abusively
2
:  to affect by means of force or coercion
intransitive verb
:  to use browbeating language or behavior 
  
1
a :  a mythological or legendary figure often of divine descent endowed with great strength or ability
b :  an illustrious warrior
c :  a man admired for his achievements and noble qualities
d :  one who shows great courage
2
a :  the principal male character in a literary or dramatic work
b :  the central figure in an event, period, or movement
3
plural usually he·ros :  submarine 2
4
:  an object of extreme admiration and devotion

For those of you who just cannot get past your scriptures and feel the need to laud them over others, here are a few (NIV) to consider before you say another word about Ms. Jenner's journey.  Consider if you rise above any of this criteria:

  • Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.  John 8:7 NIV
    • Raise your hand if this is you.
  • But I tell you, do not resist an evil person.  If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.  Matthew 5:39
    • Have you ever lashed out at anyone you were angry with - 'ever done a vengeful deed?
  • For he who said, "You shall not commit adultery," also said, "You shall not murder.”  If you do not commit adultery but do commit murder, you have become a lawbreaker.  James 2:11
    • Have you ever cheated on someone?  Have you ever killed someone?  (No?  Did you go to war?)
  • When you sit to dine with a ruler, note well what is before you, and put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.  Proverbs 23:1, 2
    • Do you overeat or drink too much?
  • Hosea Chapter 4 (You must look this one up on your own and read the whole chapter.  You will get an interesting view of yourself.)
    • This will surely give you an idea of just how much with or without sin you actually are.
  • Give to everyone what you owe them: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.  Romans 13:7
    • How often have you been 100% honest on your taxes?
  • Everyone who sins breaks the law; in fact, sin is lawlessness.  1John 3:4
    • Wow.  It says "everyone," not some of you.
  • He will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.  Matthew 25:45
    • How do you treat animals, people with different beliefs, children, people with disabilities, people you are not fond of, people who live a lifestyle you can't/won't understand?  Have you ridiculed anyone lately?
  • Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  1 Corinthians 13:4-7
    • This is easy.  If what you are saying or doing does not resemble love, then you are simply doing it wrong.

As defined above, there are different kinds of heroes.  Men who fought in wars do not hold the definition of hero alone.  Caitlyn is a hero to some, and it is not any higher science that she is not seen in the same way some see a war hero.  I highly doubt that anyone is suggesting that.  You cannot compare Caitlyn to a war hero, just as you cannot compare a war hero to a brave woman who has fought her hardest to overcome a deadly illness.  Moreover, because she is not a hero to you, does not mean she is not a hero to someone else.  Likewise, one who is a hero to you may not be to someone else.  (Mind blown?)  Just because you cannot understand something (or refuse to), does not mean it is not real or true for someone else.  Perhaps it is a signal that it is time to stretch your brain, your mind, and more importantly, your heart!


On a side but similar note, how many of you that are screaming foul about Caitlyn, are yet standing firm with the Duggar family?  Here is your serving of hypocrisy and pretense for the day.




Here is what being willing to learn something new and admitting it looks like:  
The man in this article shared a post, his thoughts, and comparisons, about Jenner being considered a hero.  He just picked a fairly random photo he pulled from the web and posted it.  However, he then took it upon himself to be responsible for the picture he chose to share to illustrate his point.  He read a shocking story behind the photo and (Here is the part to pay attention to.)  instead of ignoring it, he took full personal responsibility and posted an update with the story about the picture.  Notice how many shared this man's post initially,  then pay attention to how many shared his update.  I call the latter shameful.  It took courage on his part to change his tune once he learned something new.  How many of us are willing to do this even in the face of showing we were wrong?  How many of us would ignore it be able to hang onto an ideal?  That is called a lie, and you can refer to the scriptures above if you would like.


I get that Caitlyn Jenner is up front right now because of whom she is, her celebrity status. To that I say simply, "So what!"  This is not my plea for her to be your newest hero, or to even agree that she is one.  What is true is that Bruce Jenner was my hero and idol in junior high school.  I was even quoted in our school newspaper about that when I was interviewed for "Athlete of the Month," or something like that.  I still think what he accomplished was amazing.  As an adult I see it a little differently and would see him as someone I admire for his past athletic talents and hard work.

Do I personally think Caitlyn is a hero?  I honestly cannot relate, and that is part of my point today.  The closest I can come to relating is memories of a version of me long ago that was uncomfortable in her own skin until I became more authentic in my life.  I am now more comfortable and a much happier person.  I can see clearly why she is a hero to many, regardless of what my personal beliefs or feelings are on the subject.  I am not in their shoes, so I will not endeavor to attempt at proving them wrong or ridiculing anyone for it.  If she makes someone in a similar life-situation feel better about themselves, gives them courage and hope, helps someone feel empowered, then who am I to throw stones?  My own beliefs are not threatened because someone else has different ones, and I do not make it mean that my beliefs are suddenly null and void or unimportant because of it.

So... about those stones you were throwing?  Instead, how about you kick rocks on your judgements and stop bullying.  Besides, realize that stone might be returned one day!