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April 16, 2019

Misunderstanding White Privilege and Other Nonsense

I spent too much time on some nonsense today. I'm aware that some of my posts rub some of you wrong. This is not an apology, just an acknowledgment, and I'm okay with that. I'm here for you ALL DAY if you want to learn something from me, or if you have something to teach me that is of value and makes this world a better place for EVERYONE. What I am NOT here for is your willful ignorance, and that goes double for when you are being obtuse in the face of an opportunity for you to hear something that you have the chance to learn. I am NOT here for you if you learn, know, find out better, but refuse to do better.

I know I'm idealistic, and I'm okay with that, too. I have ALWAYS been this way, ALWAYS. Although, admittedly, it is the catalyst for a lot of my frustration with stupid shit that people do and say. Sometimes I really do not get what some of you do not get. Some of you, I chalk it up to lack of exposure and refusal to learn. I say "refusal" because really there are NO reasons why anyone should pass up an opportunity to learn something new, and there is NO shortage of ways to learn about people that you may not have a good understanding of. Personally, before I condemn someone for the way they act, I check in with myself to see if I FIRST understand why someone does what they do. That doesn't mean that I am going to condone their actions (or I might), it just means that I seek to understand first.

I don't know it all. I don't have all the answers. Neither do any of you. And sometimes even when I think I understand, I get set straight one way or another. But here's the catch: I'm also okay with that! To me, it's a RELIEF. Now, don't confuse that with it feeling good. It rarely does, but it IS a relief. Knowledge is power and freedom. There are things I know. There are things I know that I don’t know or understand. And there are things, I’m sure, that I don’t even know that I don’t know yet. Those will come, and I’m always working on the things that I know I need to understand better. I am comfortable with finding those things out. I get along best with people that get this.

If you come on my page and respond to a post that you don’t agree with, be prepared to be set straight. I’m willing to listen to a point to see if there is something new for me, something I didn’t know, etc. The end of that point, however, is when I am aware that you aren’t here to listen or learn anything new.

Further, learn what white privilege is. It has nothing to do with your economic status. Really, I think we should ALL know this by now, but some of you are not paying ANY attention or trying AT ALL to learn what it means. Same with Black Lives Matter. Learn what it means and stop that stupidity about Blue Lives and All Lives, etc. Just STOP. It’s not like the REAL information and answers aren’t abundantly out there to find. But at this point, if you’re still confused, I already know you’re just too afraid to find out. That helps NO ONE, not even you.

Finally, black people or any person of color, for that matter, aren’t here to teach you about the real history of the U.S. (not the watered-down version of stuff our history books in school wanted us to know that made us feel good about ourselves) or the foundation of policing. Besides, when they do try to tell you, many of you won’t listen anyway. Stop telling people of color how they should act according to how it is standing in YOUR shoes until (which will be never) you stand in theirs and gain an understanding of what life has HISTORICALLY been like for them in this country. Stop quoting that one black person in a 6,000 square mile radius who almost agrees with you or agrees with you on one line-item as evidence that you are right about your racist views or ignorance.

If you just rolled your eyes during any of that (if you made it this far), please feel free to remove me from your friend list or whatever else makes you feel better. I’m okay with that, too. And don’t send me your private messages of hate like I get EVERY time I get on my soapbox. Some of you all go through an awful lot of trouble to just show me in the end that I got under YOUR skin. My favorites are when I get called an ethnic slur that is relative to my last name. I publish those for everyone to see, just so you know.

Lastly, I AM here for you if you would like to live in a world that works for EVERYONE with NO ONE left out, and you’re willing to take a look at yourself like I do myself ALL the time. Someone told me once that I hate white people and therefore hate myself. Not true. I love ALL people. (And don’t think that I’m not aware that that is just some second class manipulation to make me feel bad and try to put me down.) I may not like you personally, but I love ALL people. I’ve always felt that way. I just simply have no tolerance for intolerance. I don’t have room for it, and I won’t even make room for it in my life, and I will never apologize for that. If you’re racist, we got a problem. If you’re homophobic, we got a problem. If you want to demonize someone for their religion that you don’t understand, we got a problem. If you think you’re going to talk down to me because I have a vagina and you have a penis, we got a problem. If you have any kind of “ism” or phobia about someone who is different than you, we are probably going to lock horns at some point and have a problem.

If you just so happen to want to open yourself up to some knowledge and you are white like me, here are a few links below. Well, anyone can read them, but they’re about white privilege. Or you can simply look this stuff up on your own. It’s our job to teach each other and ourselves to do better. Stop waiting on people of color to give you the answers that you ultimately don’t listen to anyway.

There’s so much more I can say, but I know I’ve probably worn out my welcome at this point. If you made it this far, thank you. Your time is appreciated. If you’d like to discuss any of this in a respectful, willing-to-learn manner, feel free to comment below.

Peace.

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/…/a-guide-to-white-privileg_…

https://www.cpt.org/…/Undoing%20Racism%20-%20Understanding%…

https://www.racialequitytools.org/resourcefiles/mcintosh.pdf

https://libjournal.uncg.edu/ijcp/article/viewFile/249/116

What You Say, You Are

As I was fooling around with fun filters after church today, I was reminded of a time when someone accused me of taking my nickname (Queen BB) too seriously. (The nickname didn't follow me back home from Arizona.)  I was managing a medical office at the time, and an employee went to two of the practice partners and complained that I really thought I was a queen. (I mean, seriously...?) Was I able to go back now, my response would be different. Rather than taking a defensive position, I simply would say, "Well, I am, as are all of you. I am simply comfortable in all of my authority to say that is who I am, and that is who you are. Join me in knowing who we are meant to be." Darn that 20/20 hindsight! But then, I wasn't that sure of my own spot in life at the time. There is nothing wrong in honoring yourself in your rightful spot on the throne of your life -- and if you want some extra gravy, allow others to be in their rightful spot as well. After all, as I often say, "When I uplift even one to equal standing, I lose nothing and gain it all -- not only for myself, but for all of us."  Why not start where you are - within yourself? Who better to start with? Now, just don't get stuck there! You have got to spread the space and the love. That's the secret ingredient!

Today in church, Rev. Kev had on the most beautiful garment, and I told him he looked like the "King of Unity." (If you'd like to see for yourself, you can see today's service here: Clean It Up - Get Your Spiritual House In Order) He was so sparkly up there, all in his zone. Gorgeous! Hopefully, he took that as a compliment and not a rub, not knowing this backstory of mine. I'm 99.99% sure he took it correctly.

Right now a favorite quote by Zig Ziglar comes to mind:  You may not be what you say you are, but what you say, you are.  💣🤯💥

"Back in the day," there was something "wrong" with being (seemingly) too proud of one's self. Most of us, and especially if you are female, it was just sheer vanity to see our own light and shine it. We were expected to shrink in many instances. Fairly early on in my parenting, but maybe not as soon as I wished, I realized I was instilling that faulty thinking in my kids.  I started then, and continue still as they're grown, to remind them how perfect, how wonderfully made they are.  At least, that is my goal. I guess you'd have to ask them if they know how important, how brilliant, how fabulous they are in my eyes, and hopefully their own as well.  That last part is key, and that is even more important to me than what they think my opinions are, actually.  And that is what this whole post is about, really.

Marianne Williamson said, "We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?"  Feel THAT!  Yes, put your crown back on or straighten it out and march on out there like you mean it... and remind others to do the same.  We all need this reminder from time to time.  But if you find yourself in need of this and no one around seems to be playing on this field, then go on ahead and remind yourself. Your opinion means a LOT.

Admittedly, I don't always find this easy to do. I'm trying to train myself so that there doesn't have to be some event for me to wake up and remind myself. I want this to be automatic thinking all the time. So, practice, I will; you, too! It is vitally important in a society that is constantly trying to dumb down, press down, and brainwash so many that we are less-than. Don't fall for it!  

You are a QUEEN.
You are a KING.
Yes, you are!

In love and sparkly crown confetti,

Debora Lynn

Whether Black Sheep or Wandering Sheep

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving

So, I've read several posts in the last two days about family rejection and/or being made the black sheep of the family, and how hard it is during the holidays and special occasions. Listen, I've been there, and with more than one side of the "family." I've also been hundreds and hundreds of miles away from loving family for many years ("wandering sheep") and unable to spend time with the ones who love me back. It can feel hard, especially if it's a new situation. But it doesn't have to remain hard or sad. 

Don't be a victim. Find other like-minded, loving "sheep" and keep it moving. Live YOUR life. Find YOUR tribe (or herd, I guess). Help grow a new group of humans that are there just to love on each other and understand.

Thankful and Grateful

There are no words to express just how thankful I am for the loving folks in my family that know and care about my heart, that aren't feeding from the drama well, and have no other agenda for me except to love me as I am.  I am eternally grateful for those of you who took the kids and me in at holidays when my family was so far away. Those are forever treasured memories and times -- and I would be remiss if I didn't recall that a few of you were in the same position. (Look up "Misfit Thanksgiving" inside our collective memories. LOL)

Thinkful and Greatful - What It Is and What It Isn't

By the way, this isn't about giving those that you need to be away from or who are pushing you away the proverbial or literal middle finger. (Though I acknowledge how tempting it might be!)  It's not even the opposite of that.  It's something completely offline from that altogether. This is ALL about and ONLY about loving yourself more than your perceived need to make a point, prove how right or worthy you are, or to linger in abuse.

Just like we push ourselves away from the table when we've had enough to eat, sometimes we have to do the same with those that try to force feed us a bunch of malarkey! Choose healthy options and portions! Spend your energy and mind on making memories that feel good, and excuse yourself from the ones that hurt.  You're the only one that can do this for you.

Happy Thanksgiving, from my herd to yours!

(For the record, if you know you really are a trifling problem in your family, or you have been treating someone bad, this post is NOT for you.  This is not for you to justify staying away or being asked to due to your poor or abusive behavior.  Be honest. Go get yourself straight and make amends.)

My Mama, Gram, and me - Thanksgiving 2013
We always had the best time.


Audio File/Slideshow

Relationship Currency

The Space You Create / Stop Setting Fires

It just occurred to me today, while reading some articles about different kinds of domestic abuse, that the response and behavioral changes by the abused seem to be the things that invite more abuse. The abuser doesn't like what you have become after being abused, so then that becomes a reason for more abuse, anger, hostility, and now resentment, too.  Abusers don't seem able to see their part in the victim's behavior and become incensed when it is brought to their attention.  The victim's behavior isn't likely to become healthier while continuing in that environment, and so the abuser's attitude also becomes worse. The cycle of the behavior of an abuser and victim, and how the victim becomes more victimized as they suffer from the fallout of abuse is only a testament to the repetition and space that is created by the abuser. 

What a cycle.

We all have to be responsible for our actions. But if you are going to be the creator of a  hostile environment, it is up to you to clean it up if you don't want hostilities to linger and grow. You can't ignore the pain you inflict, the mess you create and leave behind, and expect it to repair itself - and especially if you repeatedly set the fire. You can't blame the person/s you are abusing for not cleaning up the catastrophe. As a matter of fact, they can't. If you light your house on fire, you can't blame the smoke and the ash for the mess.

Bottom line is this: If you set the fire, it is up to you to bring the water and the balm. If you don't want the smoke and ash to linger, then it is your responsibility to cease setting fires. The other person can do whatever they do - leave, stay, apologize, argue, cry, take responsibility for your blow-up - doesn't matter. You will still be the same fire-starter. And you will do it again - to that person or the next.

Nothing good can survive in that mess. If it doesn't all burn up in the fire, the smoke and ash will eventually suffocate anything left.

Loving Impossible

Kavanaugh, Outrage, Hypocrites, and Party Lines

I don't think Kavanaugh is the right choice (likely not a big surprise to anyone) for Supreme Court Justice, and I'm PISSED, but probably not the reasons 99.9% of you think.  For one, I think he's partisan. Two, he showed a piss poor demeanor during the interview.  Three, I believe Dr. Ford. And my reasons why are that order of importance. The first two are pretty clear, but the third is last on my list because honestly, we fucked up. ("We" meaning mainly the left, because I don't consider myself a Democrat). This issue with Dr. Ford could have been cleared up sooner and in a more thorough way. But someone thought it'd be good strategy to throw it out there at the 11th hour. STUPID!  Have we not forgotten that the right wing folks are the same ones that obstructed nearly everything Obama tried to do (and we know why; don't fool yourselves or pretend), AND they announced it publicly that they would?  Yes, this is the party of ZERO FUCKS GIVEN.  Did we think that this cute last-minute move by the left was going to actually change something??? This should have been dealt with from the first day it was made known to whoever could have done something about it. (We'll likely never know who let the cat out of the bag. At first we were praising Feinstein, then we were protecting her from having the fingers pointed at her for doing it, so.... )  We also gave Dr. Ford a dirty deal by putting her out there like that. She should be hurt and pissed at how she was treated on all levels, by all sides. WE failed her by handling it this way, and consequently, have not helped any other victim who wishes she had the wherewithal to come forward, or possibly even someone who's now more afraid than ever to leave her/his abuser.

Remember Merrick Garland? How about Gorsuch? Remember the obstruction and the speedy push-through?  How about ALL of the various politicians over the years that are KNOWN for sexual misconduct of various degrees - on both sides? There are self-serving hypocrites on both sides of the aisle, and I'm not just talking about the politicians! We are just as bad when we turn a BLIND EYE to what our party does, but then turn around and blast the other party for similar offenses. Both sides do this! In MY lifetime, there was nothing comparable to the pre-announced obstruction of the right wing when Obama was in office, and if you say this is false, you're just a liar. In the old neighborhood, we used to say "Don't start none, won't be none," but now you all are surprised at the pushback you are getting from the Dems. I don't know who to point and laugh at harder and louder - the right or the left!  We are getting NOWHERE; well, maybe we're spiraling downward faster.

If you want something to change, then WE have to change - change the way we VOTE, and certainly change our expectations to a higher plane for our public SERVANTS. Start by INVESTIGATING your own candidates at least as much as the others, and PAY ATTENTION to ALL that your representatives are doing WHILE they're in office! They lie so much, and though they are supposed to be serving us, they are indeed SELF-SERVING. STOP TURNING YOUR HEAD WHEN YOUR OWN CANDIDATE OR PARTY DOES A DIRTY DEED! You can't keep pointing the finger at the other party and wonder how we got here. We can't change THEIR house; we can only change OUR house!

The Dems are the party of  ELEVENTH HOUR ORCHESTRATED OUTRAGE. How many times are we going to protest, write letters, complain, etc. when we want something done, and one of them finally shows up at the 11th hour with some fire and brimstone speech. You know what we do?  We idiotically cheer them on then, lifting them on our shoulders like some kind of frigging hero. GIVE ME A F'ING BREAK!  Just off the top of my head Warren, Obama, Harris and Booker come to mind. (Side note: have you paid attention to the records of these folks, or do you just like how they speak and look?)  

You want change?  Get off the teats of MSNBC, CNN, Fox, etc. Get OFF the websites that ONLY support YOUR opinion. Start using the ol' thinkie-thing again! And probably the most important of all, stop being afraid to vote in CHANGE. Let's get these frigging dinosaurs and limp noodles out of there! I still can't forget how many people were afraid to vote for a third party SIMPLY because they thought that the candidate's stated goals were too lofty.  That is SAD!  We keep saying what a great country this is and flexing our biceps about it - except at the polls!  When did we become so afraid of having lofty goals?  I thought that's what this country was about. NOTHING is going to change if we keep voting in these mealy-mouthed, late-comer dinosaurs!  This isn't a football game (or pick your sport) where we should e rooting for the side whose jersey we wear!  This is much more important than to be so shallow!

Trump is the slimiest of slimeballs.  He is disgusting, and just generally a terrible human being. And PLEASE don't try to tell me what he does for the veterans! If you're a veteran and/or stand by him for veterans, you are being foolish. Google it!  In addition, do you actually think he gives two shits about the flag?  He doesn't. But I digress....  'You know why he's the president?  Because of 52% of white women + Hillary Clinton (and her DNC partners in crime.)  That's the TRUTH.

Now don't get me wrong; I'll get out there and protest (body-willing). But our keyboards, streets, sidewalks, and Capitol steps CANNOT be the only place we do legwork!  Take a trip through the voting archives online to see how they're voting in Washington DC, and equally important if not more so, look at your local public servants' records!  Pay attention to when they step in and throw out some convenient outrage and action.  Look to see who their donors are! Don't be lazy and rely solely on the biased mainstream media. Stop wasting your time trying your best to make the other side look bad while your own side is sneaking under the radar with some janky mess!

You say you want things to get better and you want to see change?  Then open your eyes. Open your mind. Don't be fooled by party lines; they're ALL about privilege and self-serving. Be a brave American and don't be afraid to change your mind. Then VOTE with an educated, courageous mind!

Zoom - (The full rare uncut version) By The Commodores #Anthem

Gut • Heart • Head

Five Seconds to Grief

Grief is a fickle monster.

I am really embarrassed about some of the terrible comments I've read about this young man, Stevante Clark, who is wrapped and wound in his grief. To be clear, I'm not embarrassed BY them, I'm embarrassed FOR them – the cold-hearted hypocrites who made/are making them.  I am embarrassed FOR the ignorant, unenlightened, satan-hearted comments about his brother's death.  #StephonClark  I am embarrassed much in the same way as if you'd walked outside with your bare butt hanging out of your skirt because you accidentally tucked it in your panties on the way out of the restroom, unaware. People are trying to tell you that your butt is hanging out, but you don't want to listen to anyone trying to save you from yourself. I see you showing your butt, and I'm trying to tell you about it, but you're just going to keep talking and walking around showing your butt. The HUGE difference here, however, is that your callousness, your ill-informed remarks, your purposeful disregard, your hate, and your complete unwillingness to even consider that someone’s experience of life may be completely different in every way than yours, contributes to this very broken system that causes senseless deaths. 

Yes, grief is fickle, underestimated, and delivers surprises for you when you least expect it. It manifests differently for everyone (EVERYONE) and is completely unpredictable.  Watching this young man, all I keep thinking about is how he doesn't even get to grieve in his own space like most of us do; how he doesn't get to keep his grief to himself or share it at times of his choosing, on his terms. You see, people are depending on his grief. Yes, DEPENDING. He and his family are all on display right now, and mainly because (when you get down to brass tacks) our society just can't stop showing its collective butt. We can't get it together enough to realize we are ONE, whether we like it or not. We have a planet to share, cities and neighborhoods. We forgot long ago that what hurts one of us hurts us ALL. We forgot that someone made up a terrible game long ago that said we are different, and then made some of us far less valuable than others. We FORGOT for so long that we started to believe in the power of power, and power of the game, instead of the power of community and truth. And then sadly, we made it a game that no one can win.  This young man, Stevante Clark, is grieving; and his grief is no less important or greater than another person’s.  The difference is that his is all out front for the whole world to witness and, unfortunately, JUDGE. So much talk is about how he should be, what he should do, what he shouldn’t say, etc.… AS IF ANY OF US HAVE A SINGLE TINY CRUMB OF A CLUE! Well, the clear majority of us do not.  He and his family are unfortunately in a very elite club, and those other members are really the only ones that have an idea at all. Even still, his grief, anyone’s grief, is wholly personal.

The comments I have been reading are plain disgusting. They are purposely mean, with full intent to cause MORE harm. Yet, those of you making them seem to think you have a right and that you are a step or more above Stephon Clark and his family.  Your ugly words prove otherwise.

I’m going to keep saying these things:  Just because someone’s experience of life isn’t the same as your experience, doesn’t mean it isn’t valid.  We should work harder to understand that.  Your experience of life IS NOT THEE experience of life! Because you can’t understand or even imagine someone else’s experience does not make yours the “right” one, or the only one that’s real or correct.  If you want to expand your mind, take a trip outside of your own shoes once in a while. Also this:  When I uplift even one to equal standing, I lose nothing and gain it all -- not only for myself but for all of us. Likewise, the converse is true. Remember that one can and will cause a collective. It is impossible to give more than I have, and completely possible to gain more than I dreamed when I pursue love-multiplied as my only agenda.

I remain completely baffled by those that are completely resistant to change in our policing. I am unable to discern if those of you are resistant because you can’t understand or haven’t stopped to realize that improved policing is improved for us ALL, or if it is just that you are so calloused and simply couldn’t care less if our system affects our black and other marginalized communities quite differently. I am in amazement at the lengths to which people will go to hoist themselves up at the expense of another.

I have been “unfriended” on a few social networking sites in the past few days. I am sure that some of my comments have felt inflammatory, and honestly, on occasion, some of them were meant to be. I am hurting for MY community, which includes everyone.  I am hurting for our injured communities.  I am hurting for my kids and my grandchildren who are living in a world that says and shows that their lives are less valuable than even my own.  HOW CAN THAT BE? I am no different than ANY mother, and that which hurts my children is no friend of mine.  I am happy that some folks go away and out of my life, be it on social media, or any other venue, if they cannot take the idea that the world my loves live in should be as important, as safe, and be filled equally with the same advantages as theirs. I won’t be in the company of or surrounded by those who would make comments about one of my children like the ones that I have been reading about Stephon and Stevante.  And I know they would.  I am content with “losing” so-called friends who would have horrible things to say about me as a parent and about my personhood should a terrible thing happen to one of my kids.  Those “friends” do not leave a hole in my heart; they unplugged an infection and left a space for something better, and room for healing.

I have had anonymous messages sent, one of which is a recording.  My mind is blown at the lengths to which people will go to cowardly let me know how they feel, rather than engaging in a conversation. They are so afraid of me, I think, because they believe I pose a threat to their entitled way of life.  If they could only think past their noses, they would realize that I don’t.  I’m actually proposing a world we can all live in equally, and that would raise them up also – not lose something.

Stevante’s grief is palpable.  His community’s grief is palpable, and thick with hundreds of years of history of grief, brought about in many ways, that some of you won’t even bother to acknowledge. And yet, you believe that somehow you have the right to tell them how they should wear their grief.  You haven’t that right.  You certainly haven’t earned it.

Twenty shots fired in five seconds. Dead.

Audio Only

Say his name:  STEPHON CLARK!

#SayHisName #StephonClark #NotOneMoreTime #EndPoliceBrutality #TonePolicing #JusticeForZoe #BlackLivesMatter #EndStateSanctionedMurder

Stephon Clark's brother to Mayor Steinberg: 'I owe that man an apology'

Check Your Personal Equality Climate

“The humanity of all Americans is diminished when any group is denied rights granted to others.” ~Julian Bond (Founder of Southern Poverty Law Center, and Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee)

_______________________________________________________

So many of us live in fear. I'm not saying that we go around hiding or shaking in our boots (though some might). What I am saying is that many of us operate out of fear, rather than love, and it shows in the way we treat people -- even in our silence. 

If we operated from love, I wouldn't be writing this, and the world would look a whole lot different!  For one, the conversations about race and gender inequality wouldn't exist because neither subject would carry weight. We would treat family like... well, family! We wouldn't see power-hungry bosses and co-workers stepping on others to gain ground or intimidate. We wouldn't see power struggles in relationships, nor abuses of various kinds. Bullying would be unknown. We wouldn't have the need to prove our superiority over another.

The current climate has brought out all kinds of fear; you can hear it in conversations and it thumps around in daily life. This is nothing new, but I suggest that the energy in our spaces right now has forced this nastiness upward and forward from the mires. Sometimes fear looks like hate; sometimes it looks like anger; sometimes it looks like sadness, or many other related negative emotions and actions. What it doesn't look like is love for all, including love for self. Cooperation, collaboration, and affinity are abundantly missing in all walks of life.

Some of us are fearful of losing something if we contribute to others -- the "what" that we fear is boundless. It could be money, footing, stature, reputation, family, friends, love... you name it! Unfortunately, when motives are fear-driven they come out in ways that we have several labels for, i.e., hate, bigotry, violence, misogyny, rudeness, bitterness, racism, homophobia, etc. I cannot imagine that there is one among us who never falls into the fear trap.  I know I fall, and it is not pretty!

Though there are clearly many ways love and fear is each expressed, for the sake of this post, I am particularly speaking about making room for others to be on the same ground. I am talking about the absolute truth of helping, giving, allowing others to be and have the exact same allowances and how we do not lose a single thing in the process.  Many who are "on top" view equal rights as a pie, and feel that if they give another the exact same space that they are in, that they lose a piece of their ground or a slice of their pie.  But this is only true when we are speaking about an actual pie! (But even then I will argue that sharing is awesome, and you'll still receive a wonderful intangible in return!) 

Self-reflection time:  Where in your life do you take issue with another having what you already have, be it property, pay, rights, housing, health... anything?  Where in life do you hear yourself complaining about another that has requested the same fairness in life that you receive?  If at this point the voice in your head just said, "I'm not prejudiced, but...," or "I'm not a bigot, but...," or "I believe in equal rights, but...," or "I'm not a racist, but...," or "I'm always nice, but...."  Man, your "but" just told all about what's really going on. Did you hear it? It was REALLY FAST so you might have missed it.  Our "buts" will show our butts every time!

If at THIS point you have now gone into the discussion about "deserving," and who deserves or doesn't deserve something, you're deflecting.  Yes, you really are. This looking at self in the mirror thing doesn't always feel good (at first), but it's a practice we all need to be in.  Your view of life is not the same as another's, and it is no less or more accurate either. It is no less or more important. Your view and experience of life is not THEE view or experience, rather merely one in a myriad of views and experiences. 

Questions to ask yourself:

1. Where are you not listening to someone's struggle, or discounting their account of life?
2. When do you diminish others and their experiences based on their occupation, neighborhood, family, gender, skin color, religion, history, etc? 
• And the bigger question: WHY are you doing that?
3. Why are we afraid to accept that life plays out differently for others, especially someone who has lived a completely different life?
4. Why do we have such a hard time admitting that we either just don't understand, or that we just don't give someone from a different culture or walk of life the consideration they really deserve?
5. Why is it we want others to give us a break and understand where we are coming from, but we don't give that regard to someone whose shoes we've never stepped into and have had very little or no affiliation?
6. Why does someone else deserve less than we expect to receive when we want to be heard and understood?

Is it really any wonder why we see anger from marginalized groups? 

"When I uplift even one to equal standing, I lose nothing and gain it all -- not only for myself, but for all of us. Likewise, the converse is true.  Remember that one can and will cause a collective.
It is impossible to give more than I have, and completely possible to gain more than I dreamed when I pursue love-multiplied as my only agenda."

The way I see it, we have two choices - LOVE and FEAR. Super simple! Now if you choose love, it does not mean that you have to agree, or even understand, but it does mean that you are giving others space to be who they are and to express how life is for them in a way that you can't possibly understand. Again, you lose NOTHING. Who knows, you could even learn something and find out how ridiculous and unknowing you may have been before (which I strongly suspect is the reason so many of us refuse this opportunity)! Or you could realize how to be part of a solution, and/or how you might have been part of the problem.

Start today coming from your heart, and retrain your ears and mind to open up to those you have disregarded and discarded in the past based solely on things you can't or refuse to relate to. Search your conscience for where you have turned it off in order to be okay with your discounting of others. Acknowledge the humanity in all, and the fact that we really all yearn for the same essentials. Listen to someone you might not have before, and not to gain anything for yourself, but just out of love. It's a win-win. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain, and you'll start gaining faster if you listen more than you speak!

Love,
Debora

P.S.  Let me know if you've been brave enough to start giving people space to be who they are, and what you're learning.

Remember Your Super Powers, Warriors!

CHEERS to those with invisible and chronic illnesses. Wishing all of you WARRIORS a blessed new year! May 2018 bring us all a rejuvenated and renewed strength.

I want to remind you that we all have super powers, though some may choose to see us as weak. We are anything BUT that! Do not let those apathetic ones steal your energy or happiness, your last “spoon,” or an ounce of your wellness. While we may feel low and even unproductive at times, it takes courage and inner strength to get up and face each day. It takes a wise warrior to rise up to a day filled with unknowns, and also to know when it’s time to rest and turn inward. It takes resolve to do our darnedest to walk through the fire of a flare each day, and being so good at “acting well” that we fool many around us. Those are our warrior super powers! We are not weak; those that judge us are weak in spirit and mind. 

Relish the good days, and even the down days. There is much to celebrate still; don’t let “it” consume your joy. Know that we are a strong community, and you are not alone in your struggle. 

Entitlement - What It Is NOT

When "Just Love" Is Just Words Instead of a Verb

💗

There's a lot of requests to "just love" in the past couple days.

This is popular when there is a tragedy, whether it's a large scale disaster, or something that just hits local or home. Notice the word "just" is put in front of the word "love" to indicate that it really is a simple thing, that it really needs to happen, and that it will really make all the difference.

I don't think it's surprising that this request comes in droves when a major tragedy occurs.  Not at all.  Nor do I think it is somehow wrong or inappropriate. We are touched and moved in various ways by these occurrences, and so it seems natural o reach out in this way.

But why aren't we doing this every day regardless of circumstances? Why aren't we doing less talking and more listening in the first place -- and in all places and for all people? Why do we wait until a terrible thing that showed us what a lack of love and conscience looks like, to remember to "just love?" 

What does your "just love" look like? What does it mean?  Are certain individuals or groups left out? You see, if our "just love" is meant to invoke a loving change or a change for more love, then it begins with you, me, the person stating it -- not "them," or over there somewhere. If your "just love" is meant as a plea or a reminder for people to change their hearts and minds, this must also apply to you. Otherwise it is an empty plea. 

"Just love" doesn't mean that you have to start agreeing with everybody. What it looks like (if you actually want change) is the willingness to hear people that may think or act or look differently than you. It's real easy and a cop-out from your statement to "just love" the same people that you just loved the day before the tragedy. There is absolutely no change in that. So when the dust settles from the current tragedy, guess what we have! We have the same thing we had before the tragedy -- the very thing that we said we didn't want to see any more of.

Is your "just love" just words, or is it a jump into action?

Do you have a plan to include those you left out before? I think that most of us know that one of the best ways we can show love and respect for another is to give them our attention and consideration. When we minimize, ignore, or ridicule another person's experience based off of the simple, and simple-minded, fact that it is different from our own, that is absolutely not "just love." It is, at its least, thoughtless. At its most, it shows up as tragedy in various forms and depths.

 

So the next time you broadcast "just love" as a mend, please make sure it's not "just words." Love is, after all, a verb, too.

💗

Intersectional Feminism - a Lesson for ALL

When one is uplifted, so are we all.  Equality does not mean that someone loses something in order for someone else to gain equal footing.  Equality shouldn't be feared, yet it is. Fear of losing something is what drives a lot of people to refuse to respect and hear about another person's experience/s that is different from their own.  So I'll say it again: When one is uplifted, so are we all. 

This Is Why I Write

This is it exactly! 

"You get what you pay for."

When you pay in barbs and insults, your love and kindness account becomes overdrawn. What you have purchased is distrust. Regardless of your claims, your investments eventually become clear. Your return is negative, and your currency will fluctuate, then fall. Your credit is rated poor. Communication ends. Doors that were once held open just for you, may be closed and even locked. You may find yourself on the outside looking in at what was once yours. This is what happens when you don't guard the treasures you already have. You chose your currency, and this is your return on investment.

How many times will you rebuild,
only to watch your investments repeatedly
fail in the same way?

Each failure was an option to learn and grow and do better. Repeating the same proven failed strategies shows a belief that there is more comfort in the struggle than in the light. 

Being A Mama ;

My middle son graduates with his
B.S. in Geology in 2 weeks.
(Photographer: Jessica Verone)

So my father died, and I was just thinking....

I got something HUGE out of sitting in the silence just now.

I was on my deck listening to the breeze, wind chimes, and my wonderful miniature wind gong.  My father died a couple of days ago.  I was taking a breather from an emotional few weeks and an emotional data dump into another solar system (well, that's what it felt like) that I just released on Facebook a couple hours earlier.  My dear friend, Moe, sent me a note of encouragement about my Facebook post (data dump) and my previous blog post ("The Dark Soul and Little Spitfire"), and I stated something to him about how many of my blog posts have a distinct topic, but are vague or esoteric in nature.  That is by design -- no accident, because it is kind of like a song.  You know how a song means different things to different people?  I might hear a song one way, and you hear it differently, or it has a different meaning for me than you.  That is the reason I am vague and casual in my blog posts many times.  I want the topic to be clear, but the parameters to be set by the reader.  This way it can have many meanings, and the meaning/s can even change over time as our thinking and experiences evolve as well.

I think my style is effective for the purposes I mentioned above.  However, here's the meat.  What I got while sitting in the silence was how extremely ineffective it has been for me in my real, in-living-color life.  I am a natural introvert, and a reluctantly-learned extrovert; so this is a tragic, perfect fit.  There are times in life when diplomacy is most certainly called for, and a lack of it can cause more harm than good.  There are times when tact and/or caution are necessary.  But I see how tip-toeing around myself in order to avoid injury to others down my path of personal healing has only prolonged and deepened the injuries.  I am not saying one should just bulldoze over people and their feelings, but I AM saying that I have forgotten who I am to myself.  I have forgotten to treat myself like the one and only me that I will ever, ever, EVER have.  Why should I not treat myself the way I try to treat others whom I revere, and the way that I advise them to treat themselves?  So rather than opening myself up to personal things, I am... VAGUE.  And if I want to get deep with it, that's not really an honest way of being.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I can talk and TALK about all kinds of things.  I have been told more than a few times that I talk too much!  But if you're one to really pay attention, you would notice that next to none or absolutely ZERO of what I was talking about had anything very personal or vulnerable about me in it.  If you feel this is not true about me, then consider yourself one of the chosen extreme few.  That's not bragging, by the way, it's part of today's epiphany.

I also get that my vague style of communicating personal things is a protection.  I am sure as I am Irish that it is my own training.  All the way to his death, if you didn't agree with my father, you were going to pay.  So, I mastered "vague."  Hell, I JUST said to my husband THIS very morning after I posted my data dump, "I will probably never fully trust anyone." <blink> Wow. Way to go...  Team... ➟➟➟➟➟➟ of ONE!  How convenient for someone who wants to stay stuck in the beige realm.  (Is that taupe or ecru?  No one really knows.)

I will remember to revere 

myself,

and take care of 

my one and
only 

ME! ღ

Finally, what I got in the silence today is that by being vague about how I feel, or stepping around things, as my cousin and I talked about, rather than going through them, I'm setting myself and others up to be nuked or data dumped on -- like today.  I have lots of feelings and words just swarming around dying to get out!  So if I pressure cook them without releasing the valve at the appropriate time, "She's gonna blow, Captain!"  What I said in my post on Facebook, I meant.  My regret is that I didn't say it all sooner and handle it under the category of self-care rather than anger and hurt.

An Aside:  I just took a break from writing this blog post to read some of  the comments on Facebook.  After I posted my blast, I purposely ignored it for a while.  I was fully expecting some cricket noises, maybe a few thumbs-up, and possibly some negative returns.  But I am in tears right now instead at the support I have received.  This is what happens when you put yourself on an island in your mind instead of sharing.  You begin to think you are alone in your feelings and experiences.  I am touched by the kind and caring comments, as well as some private messages, text messages, and phone calls I have received in response.  I hate to sound cliché, but my mind is just blown.  It is time for me to do the work of someone who is ready to move forward from where I've been stuck.

I am sad.  I am tired.  My head hurts.  I feel a little less angry today, but I see I have a ways to go, and I fully understand it is totally up to me to find my way to peace.  This is a journey I have to take alone.  I don't mean that in that lonely, sad way -- like "I don't want anyone around" way, or "There is no one to help me" lugubrious way.  It just is what it is!  Some lessons and transformation are truly and simply a journey for one.

So, what am I going to do about this revelation?  What am I going to do next?  I'm going to buy more wind chimes, that's for sure.  Those things are MAGIC... like Tinkerbell!  For sure I need to be responsible.  What that looks like is no longer allowing people to abuse my time, which includes family gossip and anything or anyone that just doesn't feel good or right, or anything that puts me in the position of aligning myself with someone that consistently and purposely makes others feel bad.  After that... I need to stay present and conscious, and I'll just keep breathing (both directions), learning, and sharing.  

Stay with me.  I'm sure my ride is not over.

ღ Love yourself. ღ

Little Spitfire
I would like to go back
and hug her so tight!

Debora Lynn

P.S.  "Follow" my blog if you want to keep up with me (button on the far right side).  Some of my posts are going to change tone.  When it makes sense, you're going to see more clearly who I'm writing about.