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April 16, 2019

Misunderstanding White Privilege and Other Nonsense

I spent too much time on some nonsense today. I'm aware that some of my posts rub some of you wrong. This is not an apology, just an acknowledgment, and I'm okay with that. I'm here for you ALL DAY if you want to learn something from me, or if you have something to teach me that is of value and makes this world a better place for EVERYONE. What I am NOT here for is your willful ignorance, and that goes double for when you are being obtuse in the face of an opportunity for you to hear something that you have the chance to learn. I am NOT here for you if you learn, know, find out better, but refuse to do better.

I know I'm idealistic, and I'm okay with that, too. I have ALWAYS been this way, ALWAYS. Although, admittedly, it is the catalyst for a lot of my frustration with stupid shit that people do and say. Sometimes I really do not get what some of you do not get. Some of you, I chalk it up to lack of exposure and refusal to learn. I say "refusal" because really there are NO reasons why anyone should pass up an opportunity to learn something new, and there is NO shortage of ways to learn about people that you may not have a good understanding of. Personally, before I condemn someone for the way they act, I check in with myself to see if I FIRST understand why someone does what they do. That doesn't mean that I am going to condone their actions (or I might), it just means that I seek to understand first.

I don't know it all. I don't have all the answers. Neither do any of you. And sometimes even when I think I understand, I get set straight one way or another. But here's the catch: I'm also okay with that! To me, it's a RELIEF. Now, don't confuse that with it feeling good. It rarely does, but it IS a relief. Knowledge is power and freedom. There are things I know. There are things I know that I don’t know or understand. And there are things, I’m sure, that I don’t even know that I don’t know yet. Those will come, and I’m always working on the things that I know I need to understand better. I am comfortable with finding those things out. I get along best with people that get this.

If you come on my page and respond to a post that you don’t agree with, be prepared to be set straight. I’m willing to listen to a point to see if there is something new for me, something I didn’t know, etc. The end of that point, however, is when I am aware that you aren’t here to listen or learn anything new.

Further, learn what white privilege is. It has nothing to do with your economic status. Really, I think we should ALL know this by now, but some of you are not paying ANY attention or trying AT ALL to learn what it means. Same with Black Lives Matter. Learn what it means and stop that stupidity about Blue Lives and All Lives, etc. Just STOP. It’s not like the REAL information and answers aren’t abundantly out there to find. But at this point, if you’re still confused, I already know you’re just too afraid to find out. That helps NO ONE, not even you.

Finally, black people or any person of color, for that matter, aren’t here to teach you about the real history of the U.S. (not the watered-down version of stuff our history books in school wanted us to know that made us feel good about ourselves) or the foundation of policing. Besides, when they do try to tell you, many of you won’t listen anyway. Stop telling people of color how they should act according to how it is standing in YOUR shoes until (which will be never) you stand in theirs and gain an understanding of what life has HISTORICALLY been like for them in this country. Stop quoting that one black person in a 6,000 square mile radius who almost agrees with you or agrees with you on one line-item as evidence that you are right about your racist views or ignorance.

If you just rolled your eyes during any of that (if you made it this far), please feel free to remove me from your friend list or whatever else makes you feel better. I’m okay with that, too. And don’t send me your private messages of hate like I get EVERY time I get on my soapbox. Some of you all go through an awful lot of trouble to just show me in the end that I got under YOUR skin. My favorites are when I get called an ethnic slur that is relative to my last name. I publish those for everyone to see, just so you know.

Lastly, I AM here for you if you would like to live in a world that works for EVERYONE with NO ONE left out, and you’re willing to take a look at yourself like I do myself ALL the time. Someone told me once that I hate white people and therefore hate myself. Not true. I love ALL people. (And don’t think that I’m not aware that that is just some second class manipulation to make me feel bad and try to put me down.) I may not like you personally, but I love ALL people. I’ve always felt that way. I just simply have no tolerance for intolerance. I don’t have room for it, and I won’t even make room for it in my life, and I will never apologize for that. If you’re racist, we got a problem. If you’re homophobic, we got a problem. If you want to demonize someone for their religion that you don’t understand, we got a problem. If you think you’re going to talk down to me because I have a vagina and you have a penis, we got a problem. If you have any kind of “ism” or phobia about someone who is different than you, we are probably going to lock horns at some point and have a problem.

If you just so happen to want to open yourself up to some knowledge and you are white like me, here are a few links below. Well, anyone can read them, but they’re about white privilege. Or you can simply look this stuff up on your own. It’s our job to teach each other and ourselves to do better. Stop waiting on people of color to give you the answers that you ultimately don’t listen to anyway.

There’s so much more I can say, but I know I’ve probably worn out my welcome at this point. If you made it this far, thank you. Your time is appreciated. If you’d like to discuss any of this in a respectful, willing-to-learn manner, feel free to comment below.

Peace.

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/…/a-guide-to-white-privileg_…

https://www.cpt.org/…/Undoing%20Racism%20-%20Understanding%…

https://www.racialequitytools.org/resourcefiles/mcintosh.pdf

https://libjournal.uncg.edu/ijcp/article/viewFile/249/116

What You Say, You Are

As I was fooling around with fun filters after church today, I was reminded of a time when someone accused me of taking my nickname (Queen BB) too seriously. (The nickname didn't follow me back home from Arizona.)  I was managing a medical office at the time, and an employee went to two of the practice partners and complained that I really thought I was a queen. (I mean, seriously...?) Was I able to go back now, my response would be different. Rather than taking a defensive position, I simply would say, "Well, I am, as are all of you. I am simply comfortable in all of my authority to say that is who I am, and that is who you are. Join me in knowing who we are meant to be." Darn that 20/20 hindsight! But then, I wasn't that sure of my own spot in life at the time. There is nothing wrong in honoring yourself in your rightful spot on the throne of your life -- and if you want some extra gravy, allow others to be in their rightful spot as well. After all, as I often say, "When I uplift even one to equal standing, I lose nothing and gain it all -- not only for myself, but for all of us."  Why not start where you are - within yourself? Who better to start with? Now, just don't get stuck there! You have got to spread the space and the love. That's the secret ingredient!

Today in church, Rev. Kev had on the most beautiful garment, and I told him he looked like the "King of Unity." (If you'd like to see for yourself, you can see today's service here: Clean It Up - Get Your Spiritual House In Order) He was so sparkly up there, all in his zone. Gorgeous! Hopefully, he took that as a compliment and not a rub, not knowing this backstory of mine. I'm 99.99% sure he took it correctly.

Right now a favorite quote by Zig Ziglar comes to mind:  You may not be what you say you are, but what you say, you are.  💣🤯💥

"Back in the day," there was something "wrong" with being (seemingly) too proud of one's self. Most of us, and especially if you are female, it was just sheer vanity to see our own light and shine it. We were expected to shrink in many instances. Fairly early on in my parenting, but maybe not as soon as I wished, I realized I was instilling that faulty thinking in my kids.  I started then, and continue still as they're grown, to remind them how perfect, how wonderfully made they are.  At least, that is my goal. I guess you'd have to ask them if they know how important, how brilliant, how fabulous they are in my eyes, and hopefully their own as well.  That last part is key, and that is even more important to me than what they think my opinions are, actually.  And that is what this whole post is about, really.

Marianne Williamson said, "We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?"  Feel THAT!  Yes, put your crown back on or straighten it out and march on out there like you mean it... and remind others to do the same.  We all need this reminder from time to time.  But if you find yourself in need of this and no one around seems to be playing on this field, then go on ahead and remind yourself. Your opinion means a LOT.

Admittedly, I don't always find this easy to do. I'm trying to train myself so that there doesn't have to be some event for me to wake up and remind myself. I want this to be automatic thinking all the time. So, practice, I will; you, too! It is vitally important in a society that is constantly trying to dumb down, press down, and brainwash so many that we are less-than. Don't fall for it!  

You are a QUEEN.
You are a KING.
Yes, you are!

In love and sparkly crown confetti,

Debora Lynn

Whether Black Sheep or Wandering Sheep

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving

So, I've read several posts in the last two days about family rejection and/or being made the black sheep of the family, and how hard it is during the holidays and special occasions. Listen, I've been there, and with more than one side of the "family." I've also been hundreds and hundreds of miles away from loving family for many years ("wandering sheep") and unable to spend time with the ones who love me back. It can feel hard, especially if it's a new situation. But it doesn't have to remain hard or sad. 

Don't be a victim. Find other like-minded, loving "sheep" and keep it moving. Live YOUR life. Find YOUR tribe (or herd, I guess). Help grow a new group of humans that are there just to love on each other and understand.

Thankful and Grateful

There are no words to express just how thankful I am for the loving folks in my family that know and care about my heart, that aren't feeding from the drama well, and have no other agenda for me except to love me as I am.  I am eternally grateful for those of you who took the kids and me in at holidays when my family was so far away. Those are forever treasured memories and times -- and I would be remiss if I didn't recall that a few of you were in the same position. (Look up "Misfit Thanksgiving" inside our collective memories. LOL)

Thinkful and Greatful - What It Is and What It Isn't

By the way, this isn't about giving those that you need to be away from or who are pushing you away the proverbial or literal middle finger. (Though I acknowledge how tempting it might be!)  It's not even the opposite of that.  It's something completely offline from that altogether. This is ALL about and ONLY about loving yourself more than your perceived need to make a point, prove how right or worthy you are, or to linger in abuse.

Just like we push ourselves away from the table when we've had enough to eat, sometimes we have to do the same with those that try to force feed us a bunch of malarkey! Choose healthy options and portions! Spend your energy and mind on making memories that feel good, and excuse yourself from the ones that hurt.  You're the only one that can do this for you.

Happy Thanksgiving, from my herd to yours!

(For the record, if you know you really are a trifling problem in your family, or you have been treating someone bad, this post is NOT for you.  This is not for you to justify staying away or being asked to due to your poor or abusive behavior.  Be honest. Go get yourself straight and make amends.)

My Mama, Gram, and me - Thanksgiving 2013
We always had the best time.


Audio File/Slideshow

Relationship Currency

The Space You Create / Stop Setting Fires

It just occurred to me today, while reading some articles about different kinds of domestic abuse, that the response and behavioral changes by the abused seem to be the things that invite more abuse. The abuser doesn't like what you have become after being abused, so then that becomes a reason for more abuse, anger, hostility, and now resentment, too.  Abusers don't seem able to see their part in the victim's behavior and become incensed when it is brought to their attention.  The victim's behavior isn't likely to become healthier while continuing in that environment, and so the abuser's attitude also becomes worse. The cycle of the behavior of an abuser and victim, and how the victim becomes more victimized as they suffer from the fallout of abuse is only a testament to the repetition and space that is created by the abuser. 

What a cycle.

We all have to be responsible for our actions. But if you are going to be the creator of a  hostile environment, it is up to you to clean it up if you don't want hostilities to linger and grow. You can't ignore the pain you inflict, the mess you create and leave behind, and expect it to repair itself - and especially if you repeatedly set the fire. You can't blame the person/s you are abusing for not cleaning up the catastrophe. As a matter of fact, they can't. If you light your house on fire, you can't blame the smoke and the ash for the mess.

Bottom line is this: If you set the fire, it is up to you to bring the water and the balm. If you don't want the smoke and ash to linger, then it is your responsibility to cease setting fires. The other person can do whatever they do - leave, stay, apologize, argue, cry, take responsibility for your blow-up - doesn't matter. You will still be the same fire-starter. And you will do it again - to that person or the next.

Nothing good can survive in that mess. If it doesn't all burn up in the fire, the smoke and ash will eventually suffocate anything left.

Loving Impossible