Wednesday, October 31, 2018

The Space You Create / Stop Setting Fires




It just occurred to me today, while reading some articles about different kinds of domestic abuse, that the response and behavioral changes by the abused seem to be the things that invite more abuse. The abuser doesn't like what you have become after being abused, so then that becomes a reason for more abuse, anger, hostility, and now resentment, too.  Abusers don't seem able to see their part in the victim's behavior and become incensed when it is brought to their attention.  The victim's behavior isn't likely to become healthier while continuing in that environment, and so the abuser's attitude also becomes worse. The cycle of the behavior of an abuser and victim, and how the victim becomes more victimized as they suffer from the fallout of abuse is only a testament to the repetition and space that is created by the abuser. 

What a cycle.

We all have to be responsible for our actions. But if you are going to be the creator of a  hostile environment, it is up to you to clean it up if you don't want hostilities to linger and grow. You can't ignore the pain you inflict, the mess you create and leave behind, and expect it to repair itself - and especially if you repeatedly set the fire. You can't blame the person/s you are abusing for not cleaning up the catastrophe. As a matter of fact, they can't. If you light your house on fire, you can't blame the smoke and the ash for the mess.

Bottom line is this: If you set the fire, it is up to you to bring the water and the balm. If you don't want the smoke and ash to linger, then it is your responsibility to cease setting fires. The other person can do whatever they do - leave, stay, apologize, argue, cry, take responsibility for your blow-up - doesn't matter. You will still be the same fire-starter. And you will do it again - to that person or the next.

Nothing good can survive in that mess. If it doesn't all burn up in the fire, the smoke and ash will eventually suffocate anything left.




Saturday, October 6, 2018

Kavanaugh, Outrage, Hypocrites, and Party Lines

I don't think Kavanaugh is the right choice (likely not a big surprise to anyone) for Supreme Court Justice, and I'm PISSED, but probably not the reasons 99.9% of you think.  For one, I think he's partisan. Two, he showed a piss poor demeanor during the interview.  Three, I believe Dr. Ford. And my reasons why are that order of importance. The first two are pretty clear, but the third is last on my list because honestly, we fucked up. ("We" meaning mainly the left, because I don't consider myself a Democrat). This issue with Dr. Ford could have been cleared up sooner and in a more thorough way. But someone thought it'd be good strategy to throw it out there at the 11th hour. STUPID!  Have we not forgotten that the right wing folks are the same ones that obstructed nearly everything Obama tried to do (and we know why; don't fool yourselves or pretend), AND they announced it publicly that they would?  Yes, this is the party of ZERO FUCKS GIVEN.  Did we think that this cute last-minute move by the left was going to actually change something??? This should have been dealt with from the first day it was made known to whoever could have done something about it. (We'll likely never know who let the cat out of the bag. At first we were praising Feinstein, then we were protecting her from having the fingers pointed at her for doing it, so.... )  We also gave Dr. Ford a dirty deal by putting her out there like that. She should be hurt and pissed at how she was treated on all levels, by all sides. WE failed her by handling it this way, and consequently, have not helped any other victim who wishes she had the wherewithal to come forward, or possibly even someone who's now more afraid than ever to leave her/his abuser.

Remember Merrick Garland? How about Gorsuch? Remember the obstruction and the speedy push-through?  How about ALL of the various politicians over the years that are KNOWN for sexual misconduct of various degrees - on both sides? There are self-serving hypocrites on both sides of the aisle, and I'm not just talking about the politicians! We are just as bad when we turn a BLIND EYE to what our party does, but then turn around and blast the other party for similar offenses. Both sides do this! In MY lifetime, there was nothing comparable to the pre-announced obstruction of the right wing when Obama was in office, and if you say this is false, you're just a liar. In the old neighborhood, we used to say "Don't start none, won't be none," but now you all are surprised at the pushback you are getting from the Dems. I don't know who to point and laugh at harder and louder - the right or the left!  We are getting NOWHERE; well, maybe we're spiraling downward faster.

If you want something to change, then WE have to change - change the way we VOTE, and certainly change our expectations to a higher plane for our public SERVANTS. Start by INVESTIGATING your own candidates at least as much as the others, and PAY ATTENTION to ALL that your representatives are doing WHILE they're in office! They lie so much, and though they are supposed to be serving us, they are indeed SELF-SERVING. STOP TURNING YOUR HEAD WHEN YOUR OWN CANDIDATE OR PARTY DOES A DIRTY DEED! You can't keep pointing the finger at the other party and wonder how we got here. We can't change THEIR house; we can only change OUR house!

The Dems are the party of  ELEVENTH HOUR ORCHESTRATED OUTRAGE. How many times are we going to protest, write letters, complain, etc. when we want something done, and one of them finally shows up at the 11th hour with some fire and brimstone speech. You know what we do?  We idiotically cheer them on then, lifting them on our shoulders like some kind of frigging hero. GIVE ME A F'ING BREAK!  Just off the top of my head Warren, Obama, Harris and Booker come to mind. (Side note: have you paid attention to the records of these folks, or do you just like how they speak and look?)  

You want change?  Get off the teats of MSNBC, CNN, Fox, etc. Get OFF the websites that ONLY support YOUR opinion. Start using the ol' thinkie-thing again! And probably the most important of all, stop being afraid to vote in CHANGE. Let's get these frigging dinosaurs and limp noodles out of there! I still can't forget how many people were afraid to vote for a third party SIMPLY because they thought that the candidate's stated goals were too lofty.  That is SAD!  We keep saying what a great country this is and flexing our biceps about it - except at the polls!  When did we become so afraid of having lofty goals?  I thought that's what this country was about. NOTHING is going to change if we keep voting in these mealy-mouthed, late-comer dinosaurs!  This isn't a football game (or pick your sport) where we should e rooting for the side whose jersey we wear!  This is much more important than to be so shallow!

Trump is the slimiest of slimeballs.  He is disgusting, and just generally a terrible human being. And PLEASE don't try to tell me what he does for the veterans! If you're a veteran and/or stand by him for veterans, you are being foolish. Google it!  In addition, do you actually think he gives two shits about the flag?  He doesn't. But I digress....  'You know why he's the president?  Because of 52% of white women + Hillary Clinton (and her DNC partners in crime.)  That's the TRUTH.

Now don't get me wrong; I'll get out there and protest (body-willing). But our keyboards, streets, sidewalks, and Capitol steps CANNOT be the only place we do legwork!  Take a trip through the voting archives online to see how they're voting in Washington DC, and equally important if not more so, look at your local public servants' records!  Pay attention to when they step in and throw out some convenient outrage and action.  Look to see who their donors are! Don't be lazy and rely solely on the biased mainstream media. Stop wasting your time trying your best to make the other side look bad while your own side is sneaking under the radar with some janky mess!


You say you want things to get better and you want to see change?  Then open your eyes. Open your mind. Don't be fooled by party lines; they're ALL about privilege and self-serving. Be a brave American and don't be afraid to change your mind. Then VOTE with an educated, courageous mind!


Friday, March 30, 2018

Five Seconds to Grief

Grief is a fickle monster.

I am really embarrassed about some of the terrible comments I've read about this young man, Stevante Clark, who is wrapped and wound in his grief. To be clear, I'm not embarrassed BY them, I'm embarrassed FOR them – the cold-hearted hypocrites who made/are making them.  I am embarrassed FOR the ignorant, unenlightened, satan-hearted comments about his brother's death.  #StephonClark  I am embarrassed much in the same way as if you'd walked outside with your bare butt hanging out of your skirt because you accidentally tucked it in your panties on the way out of the restroom, unaware. People are trying to tell you that your butt is hanging out, but you don't want to listen to anyone trying to save you from yourself. I see you showing your butt, and I'm trying to tell you about it, but you're just going to keep talking and walking around showing your butt. The HUGE difference here, however, is that your callousness, your ill-informed remarks, your purposeful disregard, your hate, and your complete unwillingness to even consider that someone’s experience of life may be completely different in every way than yours, contributes to this very broken system that causes senseless deaths. 

Yes, grief is fickle, underestimated, and delivers surprises for you when you least expect it. It manifests differently for everyone (EVERYONE) and is completely unpredictable.  Watching this young man, all I keep thinking about is how he doesn't even get to grieve in his own space like most of us do; how he doesn't get to keep his grief to himself or share it at times of his choosing, on his terms. You see, people are depending on his grief. Yes, DEPENDING. He and his family are all on display right now, and mainly because (when you get down to brass tacks) our society just can't stop showing its collective butt. We can't get it together enough to realize we are ONE, whether we like it or not. We have a planet to share, cities and neighborhoods. We forgot long ago that what hurts one of us hurts us ALL. We forgot that someone made up a terrible game long ago that said we are different, and then made some of us far less valuable than others. We FORGOT for so long that we started to believe in the power of power, and power of the game, instead of the power of community and truth. And then sadly, we made it a game that no one can win.  This young man, Stevante Clark, is grieving; and his grief is no less important or greater than another person’s.  The difference is that his is all out front for the whole world to witness and, unfortunately, JUDGE. So much talk is about how he should be, what he should do, what he shouldn’t say, etc.… AS IF ANY OF US HAVE A SINGLE TINY CRUMB OF A CLUE! Well, the clear majority of us do not.  He and his family are unfortunately in a very elite club, and those other members are really the only ones that have an idea at all. Even still, his grief, anyone’s grief, is wholly personal.

The comments I have been reading are plain disgusting. They are purposely mean, with full intent to cause MORE harm. Yet, those of you making them seem to think you have a right and that you are a step or more above Stephon Clark and his family.  Your ugly words prove otherwise.

I’m going to keep saying these things:  Just because someone’s experience of life isn’t the same as your experience, doesn’t mean it isn’t valid.  We should work harder to understand that.  Your experience of life IS NOT THEE experience of life! Because you can’t understand or even imagine someone else’s experience does not make yours the “right” one, or the only one that’s real or correct.  If you want to expand your mind, take a trip outside of your own shoes once in a while. Also this:  When I uplift even one to equal standing, I lose nothing and gain it all -- not only for myself but for all of us. Likewise, the converse is true. Remember that one can and will cause a collective. It is impossible to give more than I have, and completely possible to gain more than I dreamed when I pursue love-multiplied as my only agenda.

I remain completely baffled by those that are completely resistant to change in our policing. I am unable to discern if those of you are resistant because you can’t understand or haven’t stopped to realize that improved policing is improved for us ALL, or if it is just that you are so calloused and simply couldn’t care less if our system affects our black and other marginalized communities quite differently. I am in amazement at the lengths to which people will go to hoist themselves up at the expense of another.

I have been “unfriended” on a few social networking sites in the past few days. I am sure that some of my comments have felt inflammatory, and honestly, on occasion, some of them were meant to be. I am hurting for MY community, which includes everyone.  I am hurting for our injured communities.  I am hurting for my kids and my grandchildren who are living in a world that says and shows that their lives are less valuable than even my own.  HOW CAN THAT BE? I am no different than ANY mother, and that which hurts my children is no friend of mine.  I am happy that some folks go away and out of my life, be it on social media, or any other venue, if they cannot take the idea that the world my loves live in should be as important, as safe, and be filled equally with the same advantages as theirs. I won’t be in the company of or surrounded by those who would make comments about one of my children like the ones that I have been reading about Stephon and Stevante.  And I know they would.  I am content with “losing” so-called friends who would have horrible things to say about me as a parent and about my personhood should a terrible thing happen to one of my kids.  Those “friends” do not leave a hole in my heart; they unplugged an infection and left a space for something better, and room for healing.

I have had anonymous messages sent, one of which is a recording.  My mind is blown at the lengths to which people will go to cowardly let me know how they feel, rather than engaging in a conversation. They are so afraid of me, I think, because they believe I pose a threat to their entitled way of life.  If they could only think past their noses, they would realize that I don’t.  I’m actually proposing a world we can all live in equally, and that would raise them up also – not lose something.

Stevante’s grief is palpable.  His community’s grief is palpable, and thick with hundreds of years of history of grief, brought about in many ways, that some of you won’t even bother to acknowledge. And yet, you believe that somehow you have the right to tell them how they should wear their grief.  You haven’t that right.  You certainly haven’t earned it.

Twenty shots fired in five seconds. Dead.

Audio Only

Say his name:  STEPHON CLARK!

#SayHisName #StephonClark #NotOneMoreTime #EndPoliceBrutality #TonePolicing #JusticeForZoe #BlackLivesMatter #EndStateSanctionedMurder


Stephon Clark's brother to Mayor Steinberg: 'I owe that man an apology'